


maybe i’ll give you my heart anyway

by dalliancee



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 13:25:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4480913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dalliancee/pseuds/dalliancee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>steve doesn't allow himself to fight back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	maybe i’ll give you my heart anyway

**Author's Note:**

> warning: lapslock??

this was what natasha and sam warned him about, steve recalls as he makes his way into the bathroom sloppily. this was what everyone disagreed on - hell, even tony who's rather known for his chaotic and reckless ideas at times. steve thinks he has known all along that this was a bad idea as he grazes his fingers across his neck.  
  
he has known it ever since natasha told him in the headquarters' hallway that 'it's dangerous', and all steve bothered to correct was how she addressed that person.  
  
_'it's a he, natasha.'_  
  
steve knows he's dangerous.  
  
he can't miss it either, not when all he sees are ugly shades of red, blue, black and purple as he looks into the mirror. these are all solid proof to how dangerous he is - then again, steve also knows that they will all fade away once he takes a long sleep till noon.  
  
so he doesn't acknowledge the fact that he's dangerous.  
  
these marks are just temporary; just like the moments when bucky will suddenly slip into a state of blindness and hostility.  
  
it's not bucky who's dangerous, steve tells himself as he wipes crimson away from his busted lip. it's the asset of hydra, the one who surfaces when bucky suddenly gets disoriented. it's the asset who lashes out at anything, or anyone that's near him - but if anyone's trying to use this to blame bucky for everything (' _he's hurting you, steve!_ '), then maybe they should blame him too.  
  
steve doesn't allow himself to fight back.  
  
(maybe the only person who's dangerous to steve rogers, is him, himself.)  
  
he spends long moments coaxing bucky to come back to him through soft whispers and reassurances, as he lets his body pillow punches and kicks. it takes a long time, and an awful amount of bruises and cuts always would've formed by then, but steve doesn't really care, actually.  
  
bucky always returns to him.  
  
"steve," he hears bucky call as the door to the bathroom slides open and just from listening, he knows his best-friend is hurting. bucky's always hurting, when he comes back to being himself and sees the mess he has made. this is why steve ran inside the bathroom in the first place - so bucky doesn't have to see what he has done, so bucky doesn't have to be the person who's hurting the most after every lapse. "i'm so-"  
  
steve raises a hand, to halt the other in his words.  
  
"bucky, don't. we talked about this," steve murmurs as he gestures for his best-friend to step inside - and when bucky's reluctant to move (in case he hurts steve again), steve offers a hand from where he stands. "don't apologize, bucky. just come back to me, please?"  
  
upon hearing that, bucky steps forward immediately and takes steve's hand into his.  
  
that sentence always work, it always sounds like home to bucky. it may take a long while to settle in his mind when he gets disconnected from the world and tries to crush everything in his sight, but it works. it always does, the tender way steve will ask for him to be back.  
  
"i love you," bucky says instead, as he steps behind steve to wrap his arms around the other's frame and looks into the mirror to see the impact he has left this time round. his hold on steve tightens, and so does steve's grip on his hand. "steve,"  
  
"i love you," steve voices out clearly, leaving no traces of fear or hesitation for bucky to catch, to accuse the other of being uncertain about them now. bucky doesn't know how anybody can still love him after this and not be afraid, but it's steve he's speaking about. "i'm fine, bucky. so are you - we are fine."  
  
bucky nods his head, tentatively as he nuzzles his head into the crook of steve's neck, dragging his stubble across the curve of the other's shoulder when he does.  
  
and when steve smiles as he plays with bucky's hair, he knows he's back home again. he's no longer at the twisted place which pried his mind open without an ounce of care, and swiped all emotions from him so he could be just as cruel as they are.  
  
(except that he was, this afternoon when an infiltration went wrong. the sickening feeling of how familiar everything was in that place still makes him sick. too sick.)  
  
the memory of that always riles him up. bucky silently fumes as he unknowingly pulls his hand away from steve so he can get a firm grip on the other's waist, and he holds on desperately because he knows what's coming next if he doesn't.  
  
"steve," he calls out immediately. he needs to hear him speak, oh he needs to. he needs steve to bring him back home, he needs steve to drive the asset away because god, he's too tired. he can't let those monsters ruin him more, and take away more of his time. they have already done enough damage - too much, in fact. too much. "… talk to me,"  
  
and steve does.  
  
"bucky," steve begins, starting to realize the meaning behind bucky's words as he feels the pressure that's building on his hips. the other has never gone back to being the asset twice in a row, but then again, this afternoon has been cruel to bucky who got abducted and pushed into a surgical chair he had been dreading to see again. one second late and he might've been swiped back to square one. "you're bucky barnes, and you're back home now. you're no longer who you think you were, and you're safe - bucky, can you tell me that you are?"  
  
bucky doesn't; he lets his hands do the talking as they squeeze hard against steve's side with his eyes shut completely.  
  
"come back," steve whispers, after his attempt to turn to face the other was stopped by the firm hold on his hips. it's going to be okay, he thinks as he looks at bucky through the mirror's reflection. "come back to me, bucky. come back and tell me that you're safe. tell me that you're no longer under their manipulation - tell me all of these, and let yourself know it's true right now. bucky,"  
  
steve takes a particularly deep breath of air when bucky's hands find their way to his neck, which was already red from earlier, and starts squeezing, with no intimacy left from before to indulge in.  
  
bucky's gone yet again.  
  
like a broken record, everything's repeating again. they are falling back to the same old cycle, and steve doesn't mind. he doesn't panic, even if it's slowly getting difficult to breathe, and he doesn't care when there are still no traces of bucky through the brown, dark eyes despite his constant, repetitive reassurances of ' _come back, baby. you're safe, come back to me, come back. i love you, bucky, you hear me?'._  
  
except this time, nothing goes usual. bucky doesn't still for seconds before releasing steve as he gasps in horrendous realisation of what he almost did, this time he doesn't.  
  
he tightens his grip instead, his breathing getting shallow as life slowly leaks out of his eyes - together with steve's, who begins to pry at bucky's fingers until he found his match with the ungiving metal fingers which bucky has no intentions of loosening, and steve doesn't fight.  
  
he can't find it within himself to, as black begins to pour into his vision. he knows he should fight, and he knows he'll probably survive but he trusts bucky to come back - he always told the others that there wouldn't be a day when he has to make use of his strength due to bucky's constant disorientation, and maybe today really is the day.  
  
but maybe like his bruises, his suffocation will disappear the next morning after a long sleep. maybe it will, and he can wake up to an apologetic bucky who he will never get sick of reassuring as long as he comes back at the end.  
  
so he closes his eyes and sleeps.  
  
and steve never gets to know if bucky ever comes back, as everything's now black, black, _black_.  
  
  
  
  
(this time, no one comes back.)


End file.
